2018: the year I went to the dark side...

Well, it's been 4 years since I completed vet school. I've bounced around a lot, and learned a lot about myself.

My grandfather died in May, and it was then that I decided that life is way too short to spend my time pursuing a crazy dream of equine practice in a place that kept taking advantage of that dream. I quit dream job in June, left in July (gave them 6 weeks notice, am I crazy?) and started a small animal job on the 1st of August.

Oh, also I broke up with boyfriend (so long, loser) and moved house all in the same two week period in July. It's been a crazy year.

Sooooo...surprisingly, small animal is my jam. I get to do surgery again, I'm working with some absolutely lovely people, and I have a built-in support group that actually walks the walk and talks the talk. Will I ever go back to horses? Probably. Will it be any time soon? No. (Also mostly to do with my non-compete contract with former practice.)

For now, I'll stay in Connecticut. It's a beautiful area, and I'm making friends and becoming part of the community. We'll see what 2019 brings.

2017: a year in perspective

I wonder, sometimes, if I made a poor decision going into veterinary medicine. I'm 3 years out, have gone through some truly awful and harrowing experiences (two internships, shitty ass job), and feel like it never. Fucking. Ends.

Yes, I said fuck.

And yes. I have a dream job. It's everything I've ever wanted. Except that I never wanted to be a solo veterinarian working as part of a group practice. Essentially, that's what I am. Sometimes I wonder how I could be duped into taking a job without knowing the full extent of what I would have to go through. Truthfully, it could be much, much worse. I could be on call all the time (oh wait...). Or I could have no real time off to myself (oh wait...). I could feel burdened unnecessarily and needlessly by clients because I'm unable to set boundries that will protect my emotional and mental health (again, oh wait...). 

It's still a dream job. I work with (mostly) wonderful clients. I have a super supportive partner in crime, my technician K (I would have fallen apart long ago without her). I have an awesome apartment that I love (and can be quite cold because I still don't make enough money to pay for a $200 energy bill). I managed to meet a wonderful guy (albeit a bit complicated, but who isn't) and feel like I've actually found someone who will challenge and support me in ways I didn't know I needed. 

But yet, burnout has still reared it's ugly head.

I've been on call the majority of the last 6 and a half months. And when I say majority, I'm talking 90-95% of the time. So when I say I have no downtime, or minimal downtime, I'm not kidding. I try to step away, or at least compartmentalize, but it can be downright impossible. I have had difficult clients drive me through a wall and leave me with no emotion left to give them: sadness, anger or otherwise. I find myself getting angry at every little text from a client simply because I can't deal with their questions at 7am on a Saturday morning. My client care has wavered, and I feel like I'm not in control of my own life. Explaining all this to the people who run the practice now? I've tried. I explained, and waited for 3 months for something to come through. And it's still only maybe 1 weekend off a month, and I feel like a burden to my per diem counterpart. 

It's suffocating, it's frustrating, and it's overwhelming. And I feel like no one is listening.

This is veterinary medicine as I see it. Can I leave? Probably not. I owe so much money, and I can't even imagine how I can pay it back without incurring a massive tax on the discharged balance in 20 years.

Can I try and do something else within the profession that doesn't involve me being a primary care? Fucking right. That's the plan. If only I could figure out a way to actually get time to get it done and pay for it at the same time. 

I thought these days of extreme burnout were behind me, but I was wrong. I used to love veterinary medicine. Now I wish I had never read James Herriot.

2017: the year I get to kick ass

I posted around this time last year, so it seems to be a trend for me to update once a year to whomever is still reading/interested.

I got no job offers in the last few months of my internship. I had a tearful goodbye with my intern-mate (who got the surgery residency at Missouri, and I'm so proud!), drove back across the country to my parents' house, and put my stuff in storage.

As an aside, I did not apply to surgery residencies for 2016. I realized that it was crazy talk for me to do another 3 years of training, and Missouri really revived my love of ambulatory practice. It reminded me of what got me excited about veterinary medicine in the first place. Thus, applying to general practice jobs.

Anyway. So I moved back in with my parents, desperately still applying and setting up interviews. I interviewed with a regulatory position with a race track organization, and ended up taking the position because I needed a job. For the past 8ish months, I've been working as a regulatory vet, not loving it and feeling bored out of my mind. It hasn't been the healthiest workplace for me, and it's caused me a lot of grief. Also, living within arm's length of NYC and driving on NYC parkways/thruways/streets is enough to drive the most sane person crazy.

After a really honest conversation just after the new year with a close friend from vet school, I decided to get off my butt and apply to jobs. I had an interview with a private practice in CT much closer to home, with much more green space and a lot cheaper to live (yes, pay cut in income but whatevs). They offered me the job, and I accepted. So at the end of the month, I'll be going on a cruise, moving to CT, and starting a dream job.

2016 sucked quite a lot, but 2017 is gonna be my bitch.

30 years young

This past Friday, I officially left my 20s and entered a new decade. To celebrate, I spent an entire day interviewing with a practice that I'm hoping beyond hope will hire me. It was a very long day, not exactly strenuous, but definitely tiring. In the end, I drove home, parents made me a frozen pizza, I drank some hard cider, and fell asleep before I could make it out to celebrate. Lame way to celebrate turning 30.

I have one more interview tomorrow before I head back to Missouri to finish up my last internship year. Only 3 more months to go! Maybe after this, I'll actually stay in one spot for longer than one year.

2015 Update: one year later

Yesterday marks the anniversary of when I should have graduated and walked across a stage. I've only done it once in my life (high school graduation). It wasn't a stage, but my family and friends were there to cheer me on. I'm not quite as sad as I thought I would be a year out from missing out on what would have been a wonderful and momentous occasion in my life. But then, I'm too busy to dwell on that shit.

Turns out, I didn't get a residency as I had hoped. February came and went, the match was published, and I frantically applied to the few remaining internships unsuccessfully. March went by, I played with cute and not so cute foals and experienced a very busy (cracked-out, as I like to say) end of the NY foaling season in April. By May, I was a bit distraught; I had applied to about 15 jobs or internships with either no response, a polite "thanks but no thanks", or "we're still reviewing applicants". I managed to send out one last application with the thought that if I didn't get this one, I'd move home and chill out for a month while applying for jobs.

Turns out, I got the internship. Which is where I'm posting from; I ended up at University of Missouri as a surgery and medicine intern in the equine hospital. It's hot, the move was a bitch, but I'm so much less stressed out than I have been in years.

Also, turns out I like being called Dr. Wahlberg.

And so, I continue in my quest to attain a surgery residency. I'll let you know how it pans out.

PS: congratulations RVC class of 2015!! And to the ones who missed it by just that much? Well, a year out and I only noticed what day it was because of the Facebook posts.

Long time, no post.

So after many months of debating whether I should post an update, I decided: hey, why not. I'm sitting doing nothing on overnights and I've got time to kill before rounds.

September came and went, and I finally achieved a childhood dream: I earned my degree in veterinary medicine. Yes, it wasn't the traditional way and it caused me a lot of grief and self-doubt, but in the end I believe that it made me a stronger individual. I'm better at rolling with the punches and at receiving criticism.

I'm now over 6 months into my internship and I'm still mostly enjoying myself. Winter in upstate NY is rough (it's currently 7 degrees F) but so far hasn't been too bad. Foaling season has started off with a bang and a fizzle, but that's the way life goes.

I applied for equine surgery residencies, and I'll find out about those at the beginning of February. Fingers crossed I get something. I really like UC Davis and enjoyed my visit there, so here's hoping they liked me too!

Anyway, that's my life right now. Can't say that I have much to complain about, and it could be a lot worse.

Survival

So I didn't quite survive finals round 1. I managed to do really well on everything except the OSCE portion. I missed out by one station and unfortunately was not able to graduate in July with the rest of my class. 

I can't really describe the ups and downs that come with a failure like this. I've never really failed at anything in my life, and to do it at something this important and this big was a huge blow, not only to my ego, but to my confidence as well. Which, at the start of an internship, is a horrible combination. 

I'm not going to lie, it's been a tough month since results came out. I'm still wobbling a little to find my center again. But if there is anything good about this, it is the support that I received after realizing that I wouldn't get my degree (yet!!) or graduate in July. My friends from school and outside of school were (and still are) super supportive; I can never say enough how lucky I am to have these people in my life. Not only that, I could not have asked for more support or understanding from my employers. Getting the news was tough, but realizing that it could lose me my position as an intern was heartbreaking. But my employers couldn't have cared less. Of course, they're concerned because I have to take so much time off to fly back and prepare/take the exam again. But their value and opinion of me did not change, which was (to be completely truthful) more than I expected. 

So, in the end, I'm still an intern, I'm still doing what I love (even more now than ever, despite sometimes having feelings otherwise), and I'm going to go back in September, kick this exam's ass, and say goodbye to RVC for good. I've had such a great time at the school, but this whole business has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm sure it will mellow as the years go by, but right now it's still too fresh. 

Thanks for reading. I hope that, if you come across this blog because you're thinking of going to the RVC, you seriously consider it. Great school, great professors (mostly), and they're only improving the way they do things. My experience is mine alone, and hopefully yours will be better. 

The Big Move

Well, I survived the weekend of crazy-why did I think this was possible?

Friday I flew into Boston and it was  MAD HOUSE. So many people. Too many people, really. Saturday, my dad and I packed up a u-haul truck. I had a pedicure, and I almost fell asleep in the chair I was so tired. Had dinner with parents, then went down to South County to attend a friend's bachelorette party (many shenanigans went down; I was only there for a little while but shenanigans were had). This morning, parents and I drove up with all the stuff and 2 cars with 3 dogs to Saratoga. It only took about 4 hours to get everything out of the truck and up a floor (THANK GOD FOR ELEVATORS). I'm about 1/3 of the way unpacked at this point in the night and I'm too tired to go on. Tomorrow: first day at work.

What. Was. I. Thinking.

I mean, I did it. Mostly. I've got the big stuff unpacked. I do need to do a giant shop for food and some other essentials (like TOILET PAPER. Honestly, who forgets to buy toilet paper).

But seriously. I moved from the UK to my parents house and to Saratoga all in one weekend. I don't even have time to be jet-lagged (I am SO lagging, it's awful).

Advice: if you can get away with it, try not to do what I did. I just hope my brain has recovered enough from exams that I can be a functional human being this week.

DONE.

The final finals are officially over! Well, hopefully the final finals. Results are next Friday, so I'll be holding my breath a bit until then. In the end, there were some good bits and some bits where I went "WTF." So it's really up in the air as to whether I passed or not. But honestly, I've never not passed an exam here, so (fingers crossed) here's hoping this set of exams doesn't break that pattern.

Tomorrow I fly back for the pentultimate time to move my stuff from the UK to RI, then from RI to NY. And then start at my internship on Monday. Not much time to breathe. I do, however, have a pedicure at 1pm on Saturday, so there's a bit of pampering that will happen.

4 years coming to a close. Doesn't it just feel surreal?

One week!!

Holy mother of kittens, I've only got a week before I move back to the US. It's hard to believe.

The worst part of this is that I absolutely hate packing. Especially since it's so much more to take home than I expected. I mean, it's 4 years of life here in the UK. It's a lot. I'm trying to decide what is best to take back in the first leg of the moving process. I've gotten rid of 3 bags of clothes, so that reduces my wardrobe a lot...but I still have a sizable amount left to pack up. Do I bring the few bits and bobs hanging around my room (pictures, etc) on the first trip? And books, what about those? Decisions.

Thankfully I've managed to sell most of my furniture. I don't feel too bad about not selling the rest. I'm taking a bit of a hit in the wallet, but it's not enough to make a huge fuss over. I'm just glad I sold the big ticket items (desk, TV, dresser).

As you can imagine, revision has been going slowly. I've managed to get through everything I wanted to get through, but that feeling of not knowing enough is heavy on my mind. I'm great at telling people they know more than they think they do, and that everything will be fine, except I'm not all that great at telling it to myself. HOWEVER. I do keep repeating 2 things: 1) if I can survive G&T year, I can survive anything; and 2) If I can make it through 3 years of exams and do moderately well, I can make it through this one.

On that note, I'm gonna get back to revision. Only 3 more days until exams!

26 days, and revision fatigue.

It's a thing. Really it is.

We're only in the second week of the revision period and I'm already crawling up the walls of my room. Studying in my room is pretty difficult since I keep looking at things and thinking "huh, I need to pack that up. And that too. And I need to sell my furniture. And donate the clothes that are in that bag right there."

SERIOUSLY.

Also, I'm struggling to figure out how exactly to revise for these exams. It's mostly essays and long answer papers, which are not usually my best formats. And next week, we have our RP2 project defense. Not excited.

And in 26 days, I'll be starting my job. It feels so surreal.

FYR = Best. Night. Ever.

It's been a while!!

I'm done with PRTT (electives), which means an end to formal teaching for me. Scary. It's crazy to think that I have to sit exams in four weeks time.

Yesterday we had our Final Year Revue (we also had it on Friday, but yesterday was the big night). It was amazing, such a great turn out, such funny skits and videos, and all in all a blast. There was a dance after-party at the same venue, which was amazing. I'm so glad I stuck around for it and danced my butt off. I'm sad that it will be the last time we're all together as a year before graduation (and technically exams..but that doesn't count).

So...yeah. Now is the long(ish) stretch of revision to finals. The final finals. The end is nigh. I start my job in 5 weeks. Time is flying.

I did it! I got my Viking horse tattoo. I love it, it's itchy, and I can't wait for it to be completely healed. And I want more.

Anyway, Krakow was amazing. J and I had a great time. I forgot my phone, so I couldn't take any pictures while I was there. Sad, but it left my hands and mind free from obsessing about taking photos. Although I did have J take a few for me. 

And April is almost over. 2 more months left before I head back to the US to start my internship. I can't believe how much this year is already flying by. Tomorrow starts PRTT (Post rotational taught tracking AKA electives) for the next four weeks, followed by 4 weeks of revision and then the last finals (hopefully). So crazy!

Final Exams: 20% complete.

OSCEs are officially over. It was long, it was ridiculous, but at least it's finally over!

They really weren't that bad, but 3 hour exams are never fun.

So now, we have 2 weeks off for Easter holidays. Next week: Poland for 4ish days. The week after that, tattoo time.

That's right, I've committed to an appointment and I'm finally getting my vet school tattoo. It's not what I originally planned out, but I love it, it's gorgeous, and I will post pictures when it happens.

British Summer Time

Yes, people. This is a thing.

Instead of calling it Daylight Savings time, they call it British Summer time (BST). Clocks have been moved forward (just like in DST), and Mother Nature was nice to us and it was a beautiful first day of BST. Our dryer broke so I took advantage of the nice weather and hung my clothes out to dry. There really isn't anything quite like the smell of clothes dried in a spring breeze.

Ok, I'll stop being romantic.

Venice tomorrow. Awesome, cannot wait. It's going to be mild and sunny. I'm bringing sundresses. And heels (oh my!).

I'm officially 28. Yikes. Go me.

Next Friday I take my OSCE/OPSVE final (I swear I'm not hyperventilating, really). I want to say that OPSVE stands for "Observation of Practical Skills Veterinary Exam" or something of the sort. I think I'm pretty prepared; I spent every day last week in the CSC (Clinical Skills Center) practicing various things, like California Milk Testing, equine leg bandaging, and prescribing/handling medication. There is also a ton of videos and worksheets online to help with all that stuff, since the CSC is closed to prepare for it.

And, it's exactly 3 months until I start my position as intern. Yikes. Real life.

I swear I'm not hyperventilating. Really.

Get traveling.

I discovered my love of traveling when I moved here 4 years ago, but haven't really had a chance to do as much as I'd like. This is mostly due to the fact that I've been a full-time student with restricted funds for the past 4 years. So now that I'm graduating soon and have a little left over money from loans, I'm getting in some last minute travel before I'm done.

Trip #1: Venice with my sister for a few days before OSCE finals. Smart? Maybe not. I've got all this week and some of next to study. And I've been studying for this, so 3 days hopefully won't mean a failing grade for me. I guess we'll see.

Trip #2: Krakow with my friend J over Easter holidays. I'm really excited about it. We're also going to take a trip to Auschwitz while we're there. I'm a little nervous about it and I'm probably going to get emotional during the visit.

And that's it, folks. The last two trips as a student. Can't wait!

The Penultimate Flight to the UK

I'm sitting in the Indianapolis International Airport right now, waiting patiently for my flight. It's a bit early, but my friend E had a flight at 6:45am this morning, so we all needed to leave early to get her here on time. But it's worth it. I dropped my bags of 3 hours early, had breakfast with K, and then said goodbye since she had to go to work.

R&R ended with a bang, which was 100% worth it. I managed to do about 6 anesthetics on my own (under close supervision) and have been deemed ready to run anesthesia in Saratoga next year. I'll just have to keep on top of stuff before I get there!

And I had a wonderful girls weekend with my college girls. I got to see C and her baby, hang out and veg in front of the TV with K and E, and even managed a pretty heinous hangover/food poisoning episode due to some thai chicken curry (I'm feeling much more human today, but I still feel a bit icky). We had a Girls marathon, since I've never really watched the show (and of course now I'm in LOVE).

So now, I've got the next three weeks to relax and study for the practical exams in April, relax, and maybe take a cheeky day trip to Paris to see Notre Dame and Versailles. We'll see.

So. Much. Anesthesia.

So I've been at R&R for the past two weeks now, and I've been having a fabulous time. There have been quite a few emergencies come in that have resulted in very little sleep, but it's been a great learning experience.

Also, I've been training with the anesthesia group these past two weeks, and I'm feeling much more confident about my abilities to safely anesthetize a horse. I even managed to do the anesthesia on two procedures practically on my own (under very close supervision)! It was very nerve-wracking, but both went smoothly.

I'm so excited for next year. I'm going to be tired, grumpy at times, but it's going to be the best experience I could've asked for.

One more week here, then my college girlies are coming to pick me up on Friday so I can spend the weekend with them before heading back for the final leg of this degree. So close!

Looking back on posts gone by.

Every so often, I take a look back at my first few months of blog posts to remind me where I came from, and how much has changed since then. I just came across this one again, which was the last July 4th I was in the US for. I just realized (belatedly) that I was wrong.

I WILL be in the US for July 4th 2014. Because I'll be in the first week of my internship. And probably still jet-lagged. And hopefully will be so busy I won't realize how tired I am.

Also, today has been a day of numbers crunching. I've spent so much money buying plane tickets in the past week, it's put me in a panic about my budget for next year.

Because what else do I worry about but money.

The good part: I now have plane tickets to fly back to the US after exams are over (the day after exams, to be precise), fly back to the UK before graduation, and then fly again to Boston (to pick up my car and drive back to Saratoga, oy). I don't have to worry about agonizing over prices of flights, or worry about buying them because they're already bought. The money is gone.

The bad part: budget panic. My original plan for this coming year was to have money left over from my last loan payment to give me a bit of a cushion during the internship year. I'm getting paid well for an intern, don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled. But because I opted to get an apartment by myself and in a very secure location close to the practice, I'm paying a hefty price for housing. I've already sent off the deposit check, it's done. I'm living there, and I'm glad of it. But I still get anxiety about spending so much on housing. So I have to make sacrifices in other aspects of my budget, AND I need that cushion to help me pay for car insurance/some other small bills in order to make ends meet.

I can totally do it. I'm selling my car in the UK (I will miss my TARDIS, but I'll be very glad of the cash that comes from her), I'm selling a bunch of my books that I know I won't need (Small Animal Surgery, anyone?), I'm selling my TV, and I'm selling my sister some of my bedroom furniture (she's staying in the UK).

So why am I anxious? Because I'm good at it. Or used to it. And it keeps me in line.

Ugh, I'm rambling now. I'm tired. Getting up early to help with morning treatments. Time for bed.

Visit to Florida

I'm back in Florida visiting my friend Sara for the first time in almost 2 years (which is way too long). The last time I was here, my nephew was 4 months old. Now he's over 2! And talking. And running everywhere. He has so much energy.

It's so nice to relax, hang out, play with my nephew and enjoy time with my friends. I don't get to do this often enough. Also, it's nice to be in a place that doesn't have snow on the ground and it's warm enough for flip flops and t-shirts. It's going to be tough to go to KY after this.

Anyway, I've got until Sunday here, then I fly to KY for 3 weeks. Time is going by so fast! I should probably start attempting to study for OSCEs.